I Have a Problem with Anger
By Thelma Wells (from her book, "Girl, Have I Got Good News for You")
Thelma, I have a terrible temper. I live in anger mode almost all the time. Everything pushes my buttons.
For example, the other day I was stopped at a red light. When the signal changed to green, I wasn’t paying attention. The woman in the car behind me honked, and that ticked me off. I just stopped in the middle of the turn, hoping she would hit me so I’d have a reason to tell her off to her face. I can’t believe I got so mad at a stranger that I was willing to risk causing an accident!
I can hardly control my irritation when I’m standing in line at the grocery store, watching as the slow, methodical cashier takes her time ringing up the purchases while talking to the customer about nothing. She’s not paid to talk; she’s paid to check people out. She needs to cut out the yackety- yak and get people out of there!
When people call me on the telephone at work and talk nasty to me, I think I have a right to get nasty with them too. I don’t have to take that! I’ve been reprimanded at work for my temper, but I just can’t help it. Thelma, I get so sick of people and all their demands. I’m not going to be their punching bag.
It’s no better at home. As soon as I walk into the house after work, there’s somebody telling me what happened at school or some other junk that I’d just as soon not hear right then, thank you very much. Give me a break! I just walked in the door. I’m tired. I don’t feel like being leaped on by my kids.
I hate to admit it, Thelma, but I know my constant anger and irritability are my problem. Every day I tell myself that I won’t get mad, but the minute things don’t go my way, I’m angry again. I feel that I don’t have any control over it. I know other people suffer because of my bad temper. Do you have any suggestions on how I can deal with this rage inside me?
I sure do, Sugar. (Now don’t get mad at me for calling you Sugar. Remember, I’m from the South.) May I call you Sugar? Good.
Anger is a natural emotion. We are all born with the capacity to get angry. Watch what happens in a newborn baby when she doesn’t get something she wants! Anger is a defensive emotional technique that can be used for or against us. It can help us be sensitive to certain areas in our lives that need attention, but we can abuse the emotion and use it for manipulation or aggression. Anger itself is not good or bad, and being anger-free is neither realistic nor desirable.
Baby, I get angry too. You bet I do. Some days, everything and everyone threatens to get on my last nerve! But I’ve learned a few things about managing my anger that I hope will help you.
Analyze your anger. When I start seething inside, I’ve learned to ask myself a few questions: What’s really going on here? What am I afraid of? How important is it really?
The truth is, nobody can make you mad. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Getting mad is a decision that you make in response to a particular stressor.
Next time you start feeling mad, stop. (No, this is not impossible.) You do not have to react in the heat of the moment; you can usually remove yourself from the situation, even from the room, until you have a few sane moments to make a conscious choice about how to respond. Pull away and think about what’s really going on. Is your anger a direct result of a real, specific wrong done directly to you by another person? If it is, then your anger can be a helpful signal that something needs to be addressed or a relationship needs to be improved. God doesn’t expect us to be doormats or punching bags. Sometimes our anger is legitimate and can motivate us to find creative and effective solutions to real problems.
Sometimes, however, we get mad just because we’re tired. Or hungry. Maybe your blood sugar was off kilter when that lady honked at you! Did the last person you got mad at hurt you intentionally, or were you just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Tuning in to the various factors that can contribute to your bad temper can really help you keep things in perspective. Girl, sometimes getting mad just ain’t necessary!
People stay in anger mode for a number of reasons. What are your reasons? If you’re like me, you get the most angry when you don’t feel that you’re in control of something. I’ve found that fear often resides underneath my feelings of anger. When I feel threatened in some way, I get mad. That’s a natural human defense mechanism. Think about that when you get angry. Are you afraid of losing something you have or not getting something you want? When we recognize the fear beneath our anger, we can take steps to feel safe, set boundaries, and ask God for wise direction. When the perceived threat is removed, the anger often melts away.
Finally, ask yourself if what you’re angry about is worth the emotional investment you’re making in staying mad. Have you ever thought about the amount of energy it takes to get angry and stay that way? (I’m sure you have.) The energy of anger causes your body to do strange things. Muscles tighten, eyes squint and get red, skin color changes, teeth grit, head hurts, heart beats irregularly, blood vessels constrict, stomach gets upset, veins pop out, voice tone gets high; in other words, your entire body begins to shake, rattle, and roll as it screams, “HELP! I’M HAVING A FIT!” Girl, can you really afford to let your body go through all those gyrations on a daily basis? Is it really worth it?
Sometimes, it certainly is. After all, Scripture has a whole lot to say about God’s wrath because of sin; God is no namby-pamby pushover when it comes to people’s hearts. He forgives, but He does not excuse wickedness. He doesn’t expect us to sweep sin under the table, either. God, enfleshed in Jesus, got angry plenty of times when anger was the appropriate response to a situation. When people disrespected His Father, were cruel to each other, lorded it over others, or ran slipshod over truth, He got mad. But He wasn’t abusive in His anger, nor did He seek retaliation. He was angry, but He did not sin. He expects the same of us (Eph. 4:26).
The first step toward managing your temper is to take a good look at yourself and analyze the underlying cause of your anger. You are the only one who can determine what’s really going on. Ask God for the courage to examine yourself honestly. I think you’ll find that the flaw usually is not in other people; it’s in you. And that’s good news, Baby, because you and God can do something about you.
Develop empathy. Have you ever been at a signal light or a stop sign and the cars in front of you were hesitating to move? You can’t tell me you’ve never in your life honked at someone. How would you feel if that person had stopped in the middle of the street and you had hit him? I guess that would have made you mad, too, Sugar.
Have you ever snapped at someone when you didn’t feel good, or when you were up all night with a sick kid, or when you were worried about something totally unrelated to the task or person in front of you? When someone is being “nasty” to you, is it really about you? Do you have to react? Or can you just let him have his feelings and move out of his line of fire?
Tell me, how would you feel if your family ignored you when you walked into the house after work? If they acted like you were invisible, insignificant? That would not just make you mad; it would hurt your feelings.
My point is, try to put yourself in other people’s shoes. What might your kids be thinking and feeling when you come home from work? “Here’s Mama. She can fix anything. She knows everything. She must be happy to see us because we’re happy to see her.” If you need to wind down when you first get home, just calmly ask your family to let you sit down for fifteen minutes; then you will be ready to listen to the day’s stories and dish out love as I know you want to do. You don’t need to get angry. Just communicate with them.
Most important, stop being so arrogant. (I know, now I really made you mad!) Seriously, meditate on Paul’s words in Romans 2:1 (NIV): “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
Baby, we’re all in this earthbound boat together. Until we’re released into the heavenly realm where we’ll all be perfect, we’ll continue to hurt each other, intentionally and unintentionally. We all get on each other’s nerves. We all have bad days and make mistakes. Cut other people some slack, just as you want them to do for you. Memorize these words from the apostle James, and ask God to bring them to your mind when you start to heat up:
“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19–20 NIV).
What do you really want, Sugar? To lay into the people who irritate you, or to become more like Jesus? You have a choice.
Act “as if.” Girl, you have practiced being angry for a long time. Sounds to me as if it’s become a bad habit. The good news is, all habits can be changed. The catch is that the person who changes has to want to change. Baby, I think you do!
Whenever you feel yourself getting angry, force yourself to stop and pray. Ask God to help you determine why you get angry so quickly. Then challenge the way you’re thinking about the situation. Change the way you talk to yourself about it, and then act as if your thinking has already changed. Say something like, “I am calm. I am staying calm. With God’s help, I am handling this. This is working out for me.” Talking to yourself with affirmations can help you break your habit of getting angry and flying off the handle.
Facial expressions can also make a difference in how you deal with anger. People who smile often are less likely to get angry. When you smile, endorphins are secreted in your brain, creating a more positive response in your body than when you frown. People who frown more than they smile are more likely to be upset all the time. Even people who don’t frown much are more susceptible to negative responses than those who smile. So smile more. Act as if you’re happy, and you probably will be!
It makes sense to me to channel the negative energy it takes to get angry in a more positive direction. Use that same energy to think positively, talk to yourself pleasantly, and look happy. Just try this for twenty-one days, and see what happens. It takes at least three weeks to make or break a habit. You can do it!
Sugar, you don’t have to live in anger mode all the time. You have a choice. Learn to correctly identify the source of your anger, realize you’re not that different from the people you think “make” you mad, and be obedient to what you know is right. Realize that self-control is possible when you allow God to rule in your heart.
Dear Jesus, You have all the right in the world to be angry with us for all the things we do that displease You. We ignore You, don’t talk to You, act as if we think You owe us something, and You still don’t pay us back what we deserve. Thank You! Father, by the power of Your Holy Spirit within us, enable us to imitate You in this area of anger management. Show us that we can be honest about all our feelings, including anger, without sinning against You or others. Please help this dear daughter of Yours to channel her negative energy in a positive direction so that when she feels angry, it will work for her rather than against her. Please take control of her emotions and her tongue, and replace her rage with peace and love. In the name of Jesus we pray, amen.
Thelma Wells’ website: www.thelmawells.com. Remember, In Christ, You Can Be the Best!
Thelma Wells. Copyright. All Rights Reserved. No Reproduction. // Keeping Mama T’s Legacy alive is my mission. - Vikki Wells //